Political satire

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Run!
By O.A., August 29, 2013

Our advice to politicians on how to weather a growing tide of jokes at their expense

The funny men are after you, that’s the sad truth if you hold high office. Of course they always have been. Marcus Valerius Martialis tormented Roman emperors with impertinent epigrams two millennia ago. But it’s worse today. The internet has opened a spigot of vilification masquerading as humour at the expense of tireless leaders. Greater liberty in eastern Europe, Latin America, Asia and the Arab world over the past generation is abused by ingrates who think it funny to depict their leaders pantless (see article). If you are among the targets, here is what you can do to protect your career as well as the esteemed plans you have hatched for public betterment.

It is essential to hire only humourless people. Loyalty matters and those who won’t get jokes at your expense are much less likely to desert you in an hour of need. This is a habit already employed by America’s president. His secretary of state, John Kerry, may be able to induce Israelis and Palestinians to make peace, but could he ever make them laugh?

Forming coalition governments can help to outflank satirists too. Admittedly, you will present a bigger target, but if you choose especially laughable partners, they will attract most of the abuse. Just look at the droll people that leaders in Britain, Germany and Israel have invited into their cabinets.

If you are compelled by law or the electorate to rule alone, then the answer could be drone attacks, as with so many policy problems these days. Collateral damage will be limited to comedic types who won’t vote for you anyways. That’ll teach them.

And if all else fails, revert to your secret snooping service. Suck down the satirists’ best jokes from their computers and use them before they can. That should neutralise the buggers, perhaps get them fired. If the jokes are weapons-grade, then deployment might also boost your popularity.

There are more personal measures that politicians can employ to fend off pesky satirists. A conservative wardrobe is a good start. How did Muammar Qaddafi think he could avoid becoming a figure of fun given his weirdly flamboyant caftans? But leaders need to be careful not to be too boring. John Major, a former British prime minister, was mocked in office for apparently wearing dull Y-front briefs, even stuffing his shirts into them.

Alternatively, get a pet. Barack Obama, a man of gravitas who rarely tells jokes, now has two dogs. Puppies are funny, which reflects well on their owners. Eating a lot, on the other hand, is not amusing. Fat people are often laughed at, but in our politically correct times this is done in private. A layer of blubber may act as a shield against public humiliation. Tuck in.

Hide if you have to

As a last resort, change your name to something long and unpronounceable. The electoral drawbacks are obvious, but comedians will quickly lose interest. When was the last time you heard a gag about the German justice minister, Sabine Leutheusser-Schnarrenberger?

Should all fail, consider a career change. With years of experience in politics, you’ll know how to abuse your colleagues and make an excellent satirist. Salaries are low regardless of the current humour boom. But you might find redemption.
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