Some sorely needed humor!

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Are political ads heading us in this direction?
By Ken Fuson, October 25, 2014

What if 5-year-old boys talked like politicians? I think we’d have more conversations that sounded like this:

Mom: Billy?

Billy: Good morning, Mother, and let me say how great it is to once again be back in the kitchen. I can remember many wonderful family dinners and conversations we have had in the past. Am I to understand that you have a question?

Mom: I certainly do. Did you eat the cookies?

Billy: I’m sorry. Could you repeat the question?

Mom: Did you eat the dozen chocolate chip cookies that I had left on the counter to cool?

Billy: I’m deeply upset by this question. I would like to think that we had built the kind of relationship where such questions would not be necessary.

Mom: Well, it is. When I left the kitchen, there were a dozen cookies cooling on the counter. Now they are gone. Did you eat them?

Billy: That’s not the question. The question is, have you questioned my older brother Sammy and older sister Sally about this?

Mom: Yes, I have. They said you ate them.

Billy: This is a terribly sad day in our household, Mother. To think that my opponents, my own older brother and sister, would resort to such unfounded accusations, the exact sort of character assassination that I will not dignify with a response.

Mom: Oh, yes, you will, Billy. Did you eat the cookies?

Billy: You know who’s behind this don’t you? The Koch brothers!

Mom: (Laughing) The brothers who run Koch Industries?

Billy: What? No. Jimmy and Jumbo Rodgers, the twin brothers who live on Koch Street. They’re always trying to bribe Sammy and Sally for cookies. I’ll bet they’re behind this.

Mom: For your information, Sammy and Sally were in the laundry room with me, folding clothes. You were the only person who had access to the cookies.

Billy: Take a look at the big picture, Mother. I have always been transparent, even though I’m not sure what that means. When you asked who picked the flowers for you on Mother’s Day, did I not readily admit to that?

Mom: I thought your father bought those ...

Billy: Let’s not quibble about details, Mother. The important thing is, I have always been the first to ride my bike to the grocery store for you. You have always counted on me to bring home the bacon.

Mom: Answer the question, Billy. Did you eat the cookies?

Billy: I have answered that question.

Mom: You didn’t say anything.

Billy: That is my answer.

Mom: Your answer is no answer?

Billy: I have no control over how you choose to interpret my answers. And let me just say again how disappointed I am that you would persist with this line of questioning. Isn’t it high time we put the past behind us and looked forward to the future. What’s for supper, anyway?

Mom: Nice try, bud. But you know the deal. You will go to your room for a 15-minute time out. And tonight, after I make some more cookies for the rest of the family, you will go without.

Billy: Whoa! Hold on for a second. Let’s talk about this.

Mom: There’s nothing to talk about. You either ate the cookies or you didn’t. You’re either going to answer my question or you aren’t.

Billy: Really, Mother. You, too? You accept the notion that there’s a “right” and “wrong” answer to every complicated subject? I’m surprised at you, Mother. The world is rarely so black and white. And I must admit that it hurts my feelings to see you laughing as I explain this to you.

Mom: You’re something else, son, but my patience has worn out and I need to start dinner. To your room you go. I’ll set the timer.

Billy: You can take away my freedom, Mother, but you can’t take away my integrity. I leave this kitchen with my head held high.

Mom: Here you go.

Billy: What’s this?

Mom: It’s a damp towel. You’ve got chocolate all over your face.

Billy (heading off to his room): I admit nothing!
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